All I wanted to do was get a cheap mobile deal.

Five quid a month for 1.5GB, unlimited texts and calls sounded good, so I ordered the SIM card from Plusnet. It arrived this morning.

I want to keep my number, so I get a PAC code from O2, my current supplier.

O2 doesn’t refund any outstanding credit – they give it to a charity you’ve never heard of. I try to find a charity that I have heard of to text the outstanding credit to. I fail.

I work out how to take the back off the phone on the second video. I work out how to take the old sim card out on the fourth video  – all the others showed something that looked nothing like my phone. Success.

“Enter key to unlock SIM network”. I phone Plusnet on my landline. They explain that I need a key to release the phone from the O2 network. This is turning into an Arthurian quest. They put me through to O2 (which is nice of them). O2’s automated system wants me to top up my credit. I shout at the automated reply, which is completely irrational and doesn’t make me feel better.

I put the O2 SIM card back in the phone so that I can phone them for free. I talk to someone with a South African accent who insists on getting me to spell my name and reading it back to me using the NATO phonetic alphabet. Feel grateful that I don’t have a long complicated name like “Smith”.

I need an IMEI code. He tells me the number to dial to find it. I point out that I can’t do this because I am already on the phone talking to him. I say that I will find the code and call back. I find the code. I call back. As the call is answered by another South African accent, I conclude that I am dealing with a South African call centre. They will contact the manufacturer and email the code. It will take up to seven days.

I lose the will to live.